I laugh when I hear my own voice on video or in audio recordings. It's this slightly slow, slightly effeminate voice. It sounds as if someone reduced the playback speed but raised the pitch about 3/4 of an octave. Don't get me wrong, it has taken me years to grow to accept my voice in all its shrill, slow paced glory-but it doesn't mean I like it. It's just reality. Whether I like it or not.
Truth is, we are all constantly at odds with the image we carry of ourselves. The ideal that we create in regard to the person we want to be verses the reality of who we are. The person we want to project rather than facing the disappointing reality of who we are, or what we have become.
A friend of mine recently shared an insight that I found interesting. He said "when we look in the mirror, the things we find unsettling are the things we see that are in conflict with the mental image of ourselves that we are comparing ourselves against." Reality comes into conflict with the myth we have created, and we fight with our psyches to keep the reality of the truth of who we really are at bay.
It's that inward driven fear of facing the truth of the reality of who we truly are that propels us forward to face the day. The clothes we wear. The things we buy. The inward struggle of the things we want instead of what we actually need. In truth, we need very little. A larger part of the world survives on significantly less than we do. In fact almost half the global population lives on less than $2.50 US per day. 80% of the world's people live on less than $10.00 US per day. Those are astounding numbers.
When I look at what I have, what I want and compare those things to what I really need it is staggering. Looking at the disparity that exists between those diametrically opposed motives is disappointing. It's at this point I must face the ugly truth of who I actually am. It's easy to wave facts and figures and say "look at how bad everyone else is", but that deep, rich voice in my head refuses to say the words that my ego is flinging its way. The deeper truth of the reality is that when I look at the hard truth of data, I'm just as guilty and self absorbed as everyone else. Looking into the high powered mirror of perception that I aim elsewhere now falls squarely and disappointingly on me.
You know, when I sit down to write these entries, I don't know where these words will lead me. The voice I write for takes me down these meandering paths, lacing the way in circuitous streams of words that lead to ribbons of letters that flicker across the screen in the dark of night. Sometimes that stream of words will take me close to the edge of my own inner darkness that comes in conflict with the carefully crafted illusion I have painted for myself. I guess when we skim closely to the true inner voice, we run the risk of finding the boogie man that is really the truth of who we are.